Physical Pain

Went to the gym yesterday.
Yes, the gym.
It's been literally years.
2-week freebie WOW coupon got me in the door.
But nervous...oh so nervous.
Not exactly sure why.
I'm not fat by any means,
but I feel so inferior. No abs. No pecs. No build,
per say.
Just long bones with flesh and gut.
Stupid, demeaning gut.

Dawdled on computer for an hour,
dressed in T-shirt & shorts...
putting off the inevitable.
But I did it. I went.
So nervous I set off the car alarm
(how many times has dad shown me that?)
All my insecurities returning--
I'm the nerdy ninth grader again.
I'm surrounded by Tim Hart and Joseph Santos
and Glen Hoey and Paul Manafo and all those
Bombardis and Mooneys and
disturbed shop kids and angry athletes...
How adeptly it all returns.
The bullies and me just laughing, nodding...
shrugging it off.
Would never fight. Just accepted the nonsense.
Hating myself for it.
Seriously...what's worse:
a punch in the nose or
a lifetime of "What if?"

So I got in the door and the place was dead.
Labor Day weekend, a late Saturday afternoon.
Perfect. Slip in & slip out.
No one's judging you, sidling you.
Just my own bad self psyching itself out.
I tred treadmill for 15 minutes.
I do some leg but mostly upper body and arm
plus a last extended round of abs.
I will be 158lbs again. All my 20's that was my magic number...
and now...
180lbs.
Can't say it's all muscle. But it's not chunk either.
Just the spare tire I bike and jog against.

This morning my arms feel like blood clots.