Drastic Life Changes Cannot Be Made--

Until the debts are paid-- the (2) loans, the credit card,
Ithaca College & @##**!! Best Buy.
Until Ad's video is done & done well.
Until "AERO" debuts in a worthy festival.
Until the website is updated & Cast/Crew receive DVD's.
Until I pay back K.
Until $16tho is raised & staked.

Only then.

Lethargy

There it is again
The wood-dust sucky sounds...
The rasp at 3:30AM.
In the same room
The ridiculously dated tropes & paperback models.
My counterweight is lightweight.
Drool curdling on the pillow,
the posters flagging.
Dried childhood snot on the walls.
Grandpa's photograph.
Torn sports headlines.
I am forever here...this is it.
I shave & cut my face,
blood leaks beside unkept moustache.
The extra 25 lbs. exposed on the scale,
every morning.
Every Monday.

No enjoyment. Just the wait 'til this time,
everyday the same drudgery.
A stickpan in a rag,
Electro-shocked jello.
Baby's first orgasm.
I am listless under the cobalt sky.
A million things to do,
a million ways to spend the weekend.
But none get me past this point.
Caffeine & muffins.
Carbs & processed foods.
A cat for a friend.
The bills going nowhere.
I jury-rig a routine,
reacting to nothing...
Just letting it all slide.

The work van empty behind me.
All dead space.

Ways To Fill The Time

Horrible atrocious virulent dream
Not sure if it happens before or after 4AM thunderclap.
This gigantic bite out of the sky
that seems summoned from my worst subconscious.
In the dream, I am armed & killing those around me,
pointing 9mm (somehow, the specific caliber is confirmed)
at backs of heads.
And firing point-blank at brains & necks.
The bedroom window is open &
the bleak pre-dawn storm is sidled up beside me.
No insulation or drawn screens.
The monster is in the room with me.
I'm sharply awakened & actually sobbing,
then flitting in & out of it.
I know I want to get up & let Kitty in,
I'm sure the poor thing's drenched under some bush
or floppy leaf.
But I can't get up 'til later.

Around 6AM the weather's cleared & there's sunshine.
I get up & open back kitchen door
& Kitty skitters across lawn.
I swear that cat must have an invisible line
drawn 'tween its paw & that door.
There is rarely an interval
'tween the opening/shutting & Kitty's appearance.
I feed Kitty,
shuffle off back to bed.
The cat, of course, follows & lays at bed's end...
expanding like a microbe on a glass plate.
Soon the cat has half the bed.

When I wake up next it's mid-morning.
The dream from hours before seems like a figment
of my hyper-creation.
I have my two bowls of Raisin Bran,
my left over cranberry-orange bagel from Bagel Time
& my glasses of OJ.
I read 1980's Detective Comics,
some of the 68pp $1.00 ones w/ the entire Bat Family.
I am conforting myself w/ this routine,
this throwback in my childhood room
w/ Robin, Batgirl, The Demon, Elongated Man
all along as camp counselors.
The stories are simplistic & exciting.
I like how even Batgirl gets upset when she wrecks
her Batcycle in one particular investigation.
"That'll take me weeks to repair," she bemoans.
See...even a superhero gets grounded now & then.

Dad leaves for 11:30AM mass.
I head out on the road...
although I had a record-breaking day Friday of (62) billboards
it wasn't enough.
I still have so much ground to cover--
Brockton, Easton, Millis, Holliston.
June's rain has crippled me in the dayjob...
all the billboard postings I was supposed to photograph...
well, I'm so very behind.
And it's getting too late
as July's copy goes up.
I lose photo opportunities every day,
and none of the A.E.'s particulary care...
they just want to bill their client
& make their money.
I'm only holding that up.

I mid-stream my afternoon in Foxborough
@ Patriot Place.
Sarah & Matt are playing a free outdoor show @ 2PM,
followed by another WBCN Rumbler-- The Motion Sick.
Sarah & Matt play a few new songs.
There are maybe 30 people in attendance.
It's a weird venue for many reasons--
1) it's in South Shore, MA & not at club
2) it's outdoor & upstaged by shopping mall
(& further, the open plaza space is off-side
to main thorough-fare...I even had trouble
finding it).
3) it's mid-day & their fanbase is not exactly Cambridgesque
I photograph the set, videotape their closer-- "Riots..."
There is awkward interaction as I say hello after the set,
I might as well be creepy stalker guy.
I need to remember these folk are clients, not friends.
Never friends. OK to be friendly...but don't presume too much.
That anyone would be happy to see you.

I also photograph The Motion Sick,
they're pretty durn good.
Lead singer has a crazy moustache.
Like Groucho Marx in a tight-fitting shirt.
Their drummer is a fighter & a flailer--
it must be 80 degrees out & he's incindiary,
never letting up.

I return to work van,
removing my contacts & sunglasses...
I drive for as long as I have gas.
But I don't get the boards in Marlborough,
I don't make it to Route 9.
See? Never enough time or daylight or gasoline.
I may even have to put in a few bucks tomorrow AM,
just to make it into work.
I do find a great little used bookstore off Rte 126?
& pick-up a couple horror anthologies
(one has Beaumont & H.R. Wakefield).
I could live in that store.
I'm at peace in the far corner of that store,
alone except for the proprietor.

Now it's after 7PM & I am back home.
What money I had left I spent for supper--
0.88 pasta
1.00 canned sauce
0.75 French style stringbeans
I spent more on the books!
Ah well.
And that was how I filled the gaps.

I Am Eating My Hand And It Tastes Like Wet Paint

Reading Harlan Ellison's book of collaborations.
In the forward to one of the shorts,
he remarked upon his youthful affinity & exuberance
to demonstrate a character's extreme state of mind
(car crash)
(loss of loved one)
(alien invasion)
by having them insert their fist into their mouth.
To stiffle the screams?
To inflict self-abuse?
To inject an uneasy bit of physical business?
He was chagrined by the melodramatic ploy,
which he em-"ployed" over & over again.

I feel the same way at times with this blog--
What am I demonstrating here?
Who reads this stuff anyway?
I can't exactly call it behind-the-scenes DVD commentary,
an "AERODYNAMICS" how to.
And it's not exactly a story idea-a-day.
And, oh yes, there's certainly a lot of whining
& why me?
And it's not like I'm going public w/ this...
Oh the stray distant relative & blast from the past
have infiltrated the cyber-anonymity
but I'm mostly venting in the corner.
Flexing a muscle for 20 mins. or so.
So why?

Do I have delusions of grandeur that this will all be
my posterity some day?
Yes.
Do I need to do this?
No. But I have no one to talk to so this feels like the
healthy outlet.
Do I revel in this?
No. Most of the time it feels like a chore. Two weeks in
again & I want to cease & desist.
But I'll aim for the token month.
Maybe I'll get scriptwriting software then.
Maybe I'll have the discipline for something more.
Do I fancy that all the world's crushes will read this...
& be emo-impressed?
Yes. But it won't happen. No one attractive & female &
smitten by me exists.

So I eat knuckle-flesh,
I drool on my sleeve.
I grind jaw & indent incisor & mash cartiledge.
I yell affixed.
There is nothing here anymore,
it is self-inflicting typeface
& creative remorse.
I will exit this coffeeshop in a couple hours time
& it will be the loneliest feeling in the world.
I'll suffer depth perception & autism,
& the summer sun in the royal blue sky,
will seem like a great weight.
I'll walk in circles & wilt in routine,
I'll disappoint myself...
all the while gnawing & cursing,
down to the bony canvas.

Cheers!

I Sequester In Framingham At The End Of A Long Day

Live travelogue
up to the half hour accuracy!
Check this out
if the title hasn't revealed all...
I'm literally down the street
from where we shot "AERO" principal photo.
Heck, I'm even wearing my official McAuliffe Center hat.
Last night of shooting there back in early early early
Sep '05,
Ray Griffin, the then Center Director,
the man I really owe everything to
& super gratious/super patient
(who else would've put up w/ cast & crew 4+ hrs over?)
escorts us out as we wrap cable, stuff van.
We are shuffling, stumbling pieces of clay & stupor.
Ray is suddenly a parade gypsy,
but instead of confetti & tickertape...
he hands us hats & T-shirts & buttons.
He's raided the Center Promo Dept. it seems.
We are recipricants of aero-space merch.
I feel like the scenario is topsy-turvy,
we should be providing him the booty--
Gold bullion or popsicles or newly minted fifty dollar bills.
But no.

To think, all it could've taken was that one "no".
The Center was a long-shot some PA half-heartedly mentioned,
as we trashed the original Lowell set.
A mumbled anecdote in the right ear,
that got to my ear,
that got to my flagging hope.
I was frightful to approach Ray,
but he immediately put me at ease.
For some reason he reminded me of The Peanuts creator,
Charles Schultz.
Not exactly a look-alike, just something shared in good nature.
And although that first meeting lead to many more,
over a three year period,
and although there was some Nervous Nelly's on the tech end of things
and although there was a proper amount of paperwork & expense,
I lucked out.
It could've been "no".
It could've been less than cost-effective.
But it wasn't.
And when I look back at it all now,
I marvel.
Wow. That happened. We shot there.

So I'm in Framingham, on Route 9...
& the coffee folk working this fine establishment want to leave,
because it's Friday night & summer final happened.
& I am tired.
But as I sit here,
w/ my hat...
& I watch the full-length "AERO" trailer Colby just forwarded
(VERY close to lock)
I am pleased.
I don't know where all this is leading,
but I did it.

No one can take that from me.
Years passed like car horns,
& I stuck my finger in a bubble...
but damn it.
Something from nothing.
Thanks, McAuliffe Center!

Some Form Of Discipline

I suppose
Here it is 7:37PM
Munching on lettuce & olives & blue cheese dressing
Typing out the ingrediants to my
oh so fascinating
enthralling
rich
diverse
spellbinding
sexy
nutritious
death-defying
notorious
life.

Art Dept meeting last night for "WINTERTHRU"
discussing props & set dressing & budget.
Need to pin down if late Aug is happening.
Hopefully location scout @ Deb's will help decide
if we shoot single day pre-projection footage
or if we go for it.
I'd still love to pay off a loan or credit card 1st,
but there's this little itch called momentum
that whispers "now now now"
"while the frying pan's hot"
& "the grease is in the griddle"
& numerous other cooking analogies.
Again, if this was a FT gig,
I'd have that singular focus
& less?
more?
distractions.
But here I am,
post-work
post-commute
waiting for dinner to cook
(veggie chicken patties & steak fries,
how much of an oxymoron is that?)
& I'm just going through the motions here.
But a blog a day
keeps my crazy at bay.
So tip tip tap, ya'll.
Here's my daily output.

Trickle Theory

So today was supposed to be deadline for website revamp--
that didn't happen.
Still need to meet w/ Steve again to edit "WINTERTHRU" &
"AERO" end credits.
Haven't really forwarded Chris one thing...
all that time in the coffeeshop on Saturday,
and it's still outline.
No specifics.

It's the worst feeling...
just the more I plan & jot ideas,
the less formed it gets.
Ready to go KABLOOIE at any moment.
Feel that way continuously about the next music video too.
Got a meeting w/ Juliet for Art Dept tonight
& I've already met w/ Deb re. set design.
But locations are still TBD
I don't even have my female lead,
despite multi E-M's & inquiries
(I even tracked down model from Johnny Cupcakes billboard,
but she was going to be out-of-state in grad school during
proposed shoot dates).
Nothing feels like it's getting done...
not the website or music video prep.
And barely made a dent in credit card payments,
let along Best Buys or loans.

I do wonder if I was doing this FT
if I'd be more up on my game
or would I degenerate to sloth?
Do I need some structure
for me to craft virility out of miasma?
Schedule this that & something else,
but where does it all lead?
I don't feel any closer to a career now,
than 6 years ago.
Although I have the tangibles,
where are they really getting me?
500+ hits on YouTube?
Yet look at Leah Meyerhoff
the same short & 2 music videos
in every freakin' film fest
every day
for years now
She's working it CONSTANTLY.

I'm lucky I made the Hawaii Int'l deadline.
If I wanted to submit something tomorrow...
I couldn't because--
A) "AERO" needs to be cut down to at least 25 mins.
B) I need to follow-up on my fest research for music videos
C) I've already allotted today's paycheck to bills & editing
D) website isn't up to date

So every weekday morning I get up super-early
just so I can come into the office
& trickle trickle trickle.
Another reason why I've been squeamish about blogging daily,
time doing this is time away
(from Facebook? from Twitter? from myspace?
from today's action-packed buffoonery of "Dick Tracy"?)
from "the work".
I feel like refried crap in a can
my diet's poor
& I can't shed 20 lbs.
I am constantly depressed & de-sensitized,
but I have to finish.
At least give "AERO" a fighting shot
& Ad's music video has to be the bee's knees.
I promised.

So send out some E-M's
re-label some photos
go through my notes
research the one short film distributor who's gotten in touch
& prep.
Always prep.