The Ru Standard

Last date I went on was December 2006--
a rather expensive & ultimately disappointing
ART production of Dresden Dolls "Onion Cellar".
A fringe fest w/ $75.00 tix. Yeow!
The girl was mousy & had bad teeth...
worked at some small architectural firm in Quincy?
Met her @ a show,
myspaced an intro;
morphed into the bold brazen me...
all type & catchphrases & bon mots
(I'm good on paper, they'll say!)
I asked her out oh-so-casually
and there was our date ie.
No chemistry, little connection...
an awkward T-ride out of Harvard Square.
At one point I even walked away,
saw an improv-related associate on the train
& left the girl standing there a few feet afar
while I got comfortable all-over-again.
Yup. Mr. Smoothy. All ice cream or cold shoulder.

I almost kissed a girl on New Year's
in the back of a taxi dashing through Old Montreal,
the streets ice sheets,
the parked cars to either side pressed into glaciers.
A girl confiding rather drunkenly,
of an affair w/ her college professor...
a married man no less.
And there was that perfect lecherous moment,
the backseat a pantomine of shadow
lapping her face and bangs...
the driver intoning French into his radio...
man, I wanted her!
And there she was on the verge of tears,
investing me aka a near-stranger w/ her secrets
& guilt.
And did I care?
No, I was thinking. It just means she's easy
& it's a new year & this is the real deal chance of a lifetime.
Go for it!
But I didn't.
Even later at the after-hours,
me dancing in a suit like Jerry Lewis...
the moment had passed.
When we said our goodbyes...
there was simply the lean-in lack lip-lock.
Good-bye should've/could've/would've!

Regrets, I've had a few.
Ha Ha.
The love list? Give me a break.
Celibate these past 4 years.
A self-imposed exile.
On-set Sunday, when I was adjusting Annette's hair,
making sure I didn't gaffer tape her head to wings
(aside: most-complicate--costume-- accessory-- EVER!)
it hits me.
This is the 1st time I've touched a woman's hair in 4 years!
Albeit it was Annette & it was work & it was absolutely
nothing...
but it was a shuddering reminder how physically isolated
I've been.
I'm not a touchy-feely sort of guy, to begin with.
But it just seemed to me,
that at the end of all this.
A date, a kiss, a touch...
there's so much expectation now.

Ru
Monica Vitti
Thora Birch
Chloe Sevigny circa Trees Lounge
Dunst when she's actually trying to act
Jeanna Fine
Azlea
Karen O
Shirley Manson
Elizabeth Sladen circa mid-70's
Miki Berenyi
Japanese girls

These are just a few of the ideals
culled from endless Entertainment Weekly's
and Premiere profiles.
Musicians, indie kids, pornstars &
childhood comforts.
Sad, really.
But after 4 years...
whoever it's going to be has to be exquisite.
Damn near perfect.
Not some frat party fumble
or internet fatty.
If it's going to be physical,
I'm going to dwell on the physical.
I can't afford much else.