Sibling

Celebratory eats & drinks w/ my brother.
He passed the bar.
Kathy read the notice over the phone to him.
A tidal wave of relief hits--
the hours of studying,
the law school debts accrued,
the career trajectory w/ a family in the parlor
waiting...
It's done. It's achieved.

The official ceremony is in January
but bro wants a beer now.
He's been honing a Cuban in a homemade humidor
made of tupperware & damp sponge...
but that'll wait.
A beer it is NOW.

We're the only patrons in the restaraunt,
two fifteen year old girls idle w/ water glasses
but soon depart.
My brother is high-fiving the waiter,
spreading his good cheer & news.
"I passed the bar!"
Like a declaration--
I'm legitimate now.
Up from the miasma of pervading failure,
off the soft pedals & hand props.
A boy w/ his moustache grown in.
A general's hat & armlets.
Fought for & won.

He tells me of a time
before the baby
early in law school
cresting the climb...
On the john some fuzzy Saturday morning
exhausted already.
Looking at his reflection in the bathroom mirror
& the sudden certainty he wasn't going to make it
through law school.
Not an epiphany,
merely a pragmatic rationalization.
He who's been through so many jobs
& misfires--
electrician, dot.commer, bike messenger.

But the thing to do is chip away,
put in the hours.
Worst thing you can do is take a break.
A day off is a daunting follow-up,
piling yesterday's leavings atop the current heap.
The more you deter
the more you snowball.
And all the while it's the smart part of your head
warning
saying it can't be done.
It simply cannot.

I see me as my brother must--
what's wrong w/ him?
#14 in his high school class.
Cum Laude college graduate.
Worked at Fidelity for 6 years making good money.
Lived w/ his girlfriend & cats.
Why is he this way now?
Still back @ home w/ dad how long now?
Not dating
Broke yet paying bands to film them...
& a film that's still not done.
A short, to boot.

The elder brother has fallen.
What the hell is wrong w/ him?
Is he gay?
Stupid?
Mentally unstable?
Worse?
A 30something waking up in the middle of the night
w/ his own panic attacks.
His own rationalizing dread...
that this
even after all the work & effort & bloodsweat
won't ever happen.