The Lack Of Emotional Glissando

Stasis these past 4 years.

Emotionally.
Physically.
Socially.
Mentally.
Career-wise.

A big balloon full of sand. Rote and routine.
No earth-shaking, operatic quakes. No car
crashes or violent set-backs. Just the brushing
of teeth, the consumuation of frozen foods,
the Netflix addiction aka escapism.

But my choice. What's the Spike Lee mantra?
"By any means necessary!"

And I have to remind myself constantly how
far I really have come. When it seems like
nothing's budging, like I'm fighting my way
through a crowded subway car of indifferent
stares and expensive attache cases. Every
other passenger going somewhere...but aren't
I too? Just hard to tell when you're staring down
necks and aftershave.

There have been upheavals. This hasn't been
a cakewalk by any stretch of the imagination.
Remember--

The initial cancellation & the sheer bile of
a single cel phone conversation. The
absolute readiness to embrace defeat. (2002)

Small claims court-- both times (2003).

The break-up w/ K (2003).

Moving back home & into the old high school
room w/ the old high school posters & the
same broken closet door (2003-present).

Kicked-out & disparaged (2004).

Repeated LEF defeats (2004-2006).

Bob Hawk's absolute dismissal while he
readied for a dinner party (2006).

A rushed Rough Cut proving nothing to
Sundance, Slamdance, SXSW (2006).

No reality TV for me. Non-response from
"Project Greenlight" (2001-2002) &
"On The Lot" (2007).

And the worse part is-- I'm numb. Either
a callous or an obstinate streak predominates.
I don't know which.